These Words given by A Dad Which Saved Me when I became a New Parent

"I believe I was just trying to survive for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

However the truth rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her main carer as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct statement "You aren't in a good spot. You require some help. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a broader reluctance to communicate amongst men, who continue to hold onto negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to request a break - going on a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "terrible actions" when younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that don't help," he says. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a family member, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the activities that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their experiences, the challenges, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - looking after you is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."